


Try

by Hopestallion



Series: teen wolf songs [6]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: no breaden, season 1-4 au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-10
Updated: 2015-01-10
Packaged: 2018-03-06 22:18:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3150323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopestallion/pseuds/Hopestallion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek always tried, will always try.... so hard...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Try

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onehaleofabeta on tumblr](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=onehaleofabeta+on+tumblr).



As first born, Laura had a birth right to the alpha title. As his older sister, Derek had looked up to her. As the only thing left after the fire, she had been all he had had. And while he knew deep down, that he couldn't have known, what Kate had planed. Derek will never not blame himself, for the fire, for making Laura an orphan. For making her grow up too fast, to be there for him. 

He feels so old when he returns to Beacon Hills, when this curse is put back on his shoulders. After he had tried so hard to escape it. But Laura had been gone too long and while Derek hated Beacon Hills, what he hated more was losing someone he loves. He should have known, that all it had for him was death and pain. 

His lips are a thin line, his jaw drawn tight, hands curled into fists. He knows what happened, doesn't need cops to tell him, to accuse him. Of having killed the only thing, that really mattered to him. And while everyone else just see his anger, his bitterness and the orphan boy with a comatose uncle in the hospital. Inside of him a wolf is howling, for the lost ones. A boy is crying for the last remains of his family and a man is dying before he can even become a real man.

In turn of events, him returning, the Sheriff's kid and his friend snooping and the Sheriff arresting him for possible murder. An alpha attacks and bites Scott, turns the boy with an asthma problem and floppy brown hair into a clueless beta. A boy relying on the google search of his best friend, who seems to not take enough of his medication. 

Derek has never learned to guide anyone, has never had the training and the drilling Laura had had. Derek was a good Beta, could follow orders. Could execute them, was a team player – had played basketball in high school- but he never was a leader. He didn't know how to handle Scott, a boy driven by his heart. Where Derek's had died the day he had returned to Beacon Hills. /Mom would have wanted us to keep going/ Laura used to say, sounded so sure she made him believe it. But all he could say now was, that mom was dead. That he couldn't possibly be imagining what she would have wanted, when her voice was slowly fading out of his memory. And while he tried so hard to keep it in his head, he couldn't help how it slipped out of it. Slowly, piece by piece. What had her favorite color been again? Red? Was it blue? Probably something fancy, she used to teach him words. Things to mock Laura with, because she didn't speak a word Latin. By now Derek couldn't remember a word himself anymore, it hurt to much. It was easier to be angry.

And he could do that, Peter had taught him how, be angry. Staying angry. Hate the world for what they did to you, hate yourself for what you did to yourself. But don't ever let anyone in, because people are masters in lying. People deceive and play with you. People can't be trusted. No one can. And if he had listened to Peter that one damn time where it counted, he could have prevented it all. The house would still stand in all it's glory, would house so many people.

Give him headaches from his siblings fighting. Have a crowd cheer for him when he played the final game for Beacon Hills. Would have his mom grounding an annoyed teenage Peter. Laura running after Cora, because she didn't return the borrowed shirt. His dad reading a novel in the library, smiling over the edge of it, because he knows Cora tore the shirt during a full moon. There is a tick in his jaw, when Scott demands his help. There is a glare at Stiles, when he makes a joke about their situation. And before he knows it, he's in the mess, right smack in the middle of it. And Peter returns, is actually the one who killed Laura, is a mad alpha. Kills Kate, kills all that Derek ever had and could have had. And then he kills Peter.... and he can't stop the train wreck that is his life anymore. Oh if he had known the pain, he would feel.

****

**All I know**    
 **Is everything is not as it's sold**    
 **but the more I grow the less I know**  
 **And I have lived so many lives**    
 **Though I'm not old**    
 **And the more I see, the less I grow**    
 **The fewer the seeds the more I sow**   

He turns Isaac first. A bite to his hip, white sharp teeth sinking into soft white skin. It's like cutting through butter with a butcher's knife. And even though he feels the wolf getting stronger, with the newly turned Beta, his insides are as empty as they had been before. He doesn't feel what his mother had once explained to him. The rush of love, the wish to protect and hold, the connection that is so deep that he always feels what his Beta feels. It's not his priority to watch over Isaac, or at least that's how he feels. He can't explain why, but Isaac is just there to him. A nagging throbbing at the back of his head, like a headache he can't explain. That is until Isaac gets trouble and Derek has to save him. Or well combined with Scott and Stiles, which he had to admit, was just a piss poor job on his part. 

At that point he should have probably stopped, thought about his actions, about his reasons. But he can't, if he stops he thinks, if he thinks he runs into the risk. Of thinking about his life, about his loss, about him turning into the monster Peter had become. Saving Isaac gives him something he doesn't know what to do with and that Isaac now lives with him, hiding in the abandoned train station, doesn't make it any easier. He's not an idiot, he knows Isaac should have a bed and a roof and four walls. A home cooked meal, pocket money and school to attend to. But Gerard is an issue and Derek's on his hit list. Isaac is still a fugitive and Derek needs power. 

He goes out again.

The feeling that pulled him to Isaac, that weird thing he can't place? It pulls him to the hospital, towards a blonde girl who is a seizure patient. Derek doesn't see a young girl, fear in her eyes, body shivering. No he sees an opportunity. Because he needs more power against the Argents, he needs a pack. And she needs it just as much as he does right? That's why she agrees to his deal, even knowing it all. The hunters, the code, the full moon and the turns. It's one of the rare things he picked up from his mother's lessons for Laura. Never turn someone without their consent, something he knows from experience too. Because sometimes? Death is just lurking around the corner. He bites her at her hip too, it's easier, when he doesn't have to look into their eyes. When he has to push them down and not think about how they change, that they could die and it'd be his fault.

It doesn't stop him though from turning Boyd next. And while Erica and Boyd can go home, Erica's change even affects her life positively. The jab of Boyd wanting to be like Scott and unlike him, was still there. The look in Scott's face of terror, upon finding his classmates turned, even though he didn't know them. It bugs Derek. Scott was an omega, he had no right to question the alpha. Instead Scott kept defying him, stopped him from killing Lydia and trying to kill Jackson. Derek is backed into a corner and he knows that his Betas are waiting for a fault on his side, to take Scott's. What he doesn't see is, that they actually need a place to belong. 

That they hoped with the bite, they could have belonged **with** him, not **to** him. That Erica wanted friends who wouldn't laugh at her, who wouldn't film her when she had a seizure and would stick up for her, when she couldn't. That Isaac wanted someone to look behind his well built mask, to ask about the bruises, support him, help him stand up for himself against his father. That Boyd just didn't want to be alone anymore, wanted someone to share Doritos with and sneak into the ice-rink to have some late night friendly fun with.

**Then I see you standing there** **  
****Wanting more from me** **  
****And all I can do is try** **  
****Then I see you standing there** **  
****Wanting more from me** **  
****And all I can do is try**

Derek stays blinded to that part, training them as hard as he could. Actually finding himself, wanting them to survive it. Not for him, not for his power, but for themselves. Found himself liking how Boyd seemed to have invested time, into learning about the triskelion on his back. How he was impressed with the strength in Erica's wolf. And how fast Isaac could actually be, how much in control he was during the full moon. That instead of anger as an anchor, he had taken his father. Had made his best memory his strongest hold to humanity. His Betas were teaching him, slowly shaping him. Instead the other way round. 

Did he mention he sucked as an alpha? Because the moment he saw them Boyd and Erica, packing to leave. Standing there telling him, that he had cursed them, without saying it with the exact words. He knew. He knew his life was a curse, ever since he had tried to keep Paige by his side. Derek wasn't someone to keep someone by his side, he wasn't someone who was allowed to keep someone close. Or God would have let him keep his family, instead of making him fall for Kate. 

He still woke up in cold sweat, not saying a word, but staring at the far wall. Trying to stop his heart from jack hammering out of his chest, so his Beta's wouldn't notice. He was their alpha after all. Though it looked like he wasn't more, than a fading memory for them.

Peter back, Isaac following Scott, Erica and Boyd gone. He was where he had started, right at the beginning. Alone in Beacon Hills. And while he was trying to change, trying to help Scott, be actually useful. All he managed, was being played by an Omega, being left by his Betas and end up alone again. He would have congratulated himself on his life choices, but did it even matter now? Gerard was over and the Argents were trying for a new way.

Chris promised they would live by the code, given that he was now the head of the family, till Allison's head was back on her shoulders. Derek couldn't care less, his Betas were gone and a huge mark had been left on the old Hale house's door. He deserved what was coming for him, he truly did. But none of the others did. Erica didn't deserve to die, Boyd didn't deserve to see it and suffer. Cora.... his sister had been alive all that time and he hadn't even known. And while all he wanted was be okay with her again, be brother and sister. He didn't know how, didn't know how to actually even talk to her. So he did the next best thing, train with her.

A pack of alpha was on their doorsteps after all right? 

He meets Jennifer Blake, he does the same mistake again and falls for the monster. Though he believes firmly, that Jennifer and him weren't that much different. They had been innocent once, they had been played by fate and people and they had turned into monsters. Unlike Jennifer, Derek actually had a way of not succumbing to it anymore, he needed to stay who he was. Needed to be Derek Hale, whoever he was these days. 

Boyd dies in his arms and he doesn't know, wether he actually can survive any more of it. Doesn't know wether he'll ever be able to get over the feeling of losing someone ever again. And the alpha pack doesn't wait on that, Cora is on the bed, bleeding black goo and dying from underneath his hands. Which leads to him just following once again Peter's advice. Cause all he knows to do is, following other people's orders. Cora though, she has to stay alive, has to get away from Beacon Hills, from Derek. Has to escape the shadow of his bad luck, of his misery. He gladly gives his alpha powers for that.

**I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness** **  
****And all the real people are really not real at all** **  
****The more I learn the more I cry** **  
****As I say goodbye to the way of life** **  
****I thought I had designed for me**

He should have seen it coming, when Scott turned into a true Alpha, an alpha that is so pure that his intentions are only dedicated to his pack and it's safety. That even if he got killed by another werewolf. The powers would never be transferred, because they were earned. And who else could have earned those better than Scott? Who wanted to save everyone from Peter, from Gerard, Matt, the Kanima, Jennifer and the alpha pack. Who had undergone so much pain, without succumbing to it, without bowing done to it. Without seeking power, to protect his heart from the pain, who wanted to truly only help. Who never had killed not a single person.

Derek doesn't mind that he is no longer an alpha, that Scott had surpassed him. He knew now, that his own mother, would have probably bowed to Scott's humanity. He knew that she would be disappointed with him, maybe even refuse to look at him. Nowadays he couldn't look at himself in he mirror anymore.

Life though doesn't give him enough time to think about it all. Cora leaves to be with the Devon pack, because he asked her to. Because he had brought her there and made her promise to never return, to start over, be whoever she wanted to be. He doesn't mind that Peter lurks around in the loft, can't help but be glad he isn't alone anymore. Until both get kidnapped by the Mexican hunters, demanding information on someone they didn't know of. Get saved by some weird hired gun girl and well find out that an evil fox spirit is on the lose. Possessing Stiles.

And for a second Derek doesn't know why he even bothers anymore, why even fight. But then he gets reminded, that that's what he has to do to find himself. To finally be the person worthy of Isaac's trust, of Scott's and most importantly, of his own. That he could become the person, he would want to look at in the mirror. The person his younger self would have wanted to be. It's a mess that ends with Allison dying and Isaac leaving and Derek feels empty. He doesn't tell anyone and he doesn't say goodbye to Isaac.

Though he is at the airport, watching Isaac and Chris depart, watches as Scott says 'Goodbye' with tear filled eyes. As Stiles shouts a “Leave the scarves!” after Isaac's retreating back. Watches as Isaac flips him off and Chris smacks the back of the boys head, not harshly or anything. Just a father scolding a child, for having shown the finger. “I know you're there... and I wanna thank you... I never said it but thanks Derek... for everything” and he doesn't know if he deserves the words Isaac is mumbling into his blue scarf. Knows that Scott picked them up probably, but he doesn't reply, just turns around and leaves.

He isn't worth of gratitude, but he wants to believe that one day he might. That one day he could live up to the person, that Scott seemed to already be.

He is shot in his own loft that night, taken in by Kate as it turns out, though he doesn't remember that. Stiles filled him in with quick words and hand gestures. Something about Kate and Berserkers, the de-aging thing. He remembers as a fleeting memory.

When Lydia spells his name as the last cypher key, her prediction of his death. He isn't surprised, he kind of always saw it coming.

**Then I see you standing there** **  
****Wanting more from me** **  
****And all I can do is try** **  
****Then I see you standing there** **  
****I'm all I'll ever be** **  
****But all I can do is try** **  
****Try**

He is bleeding, fast and despite everyone saying it's painful. Derek actually doesn't feel much. Maybe it's the blood loss and therefore caused numbness, maybe it's him accepting his death. He doesn't know, he actually had not believed to return from this battle. Although he had promised Scott to try his best and not let Lydia's prediction get to him. What he doesn't expect is a hand on his cheek, a soft smile of nude colored lips. Dark lashes framing almond shaped eyes, her hair a perfect mocha colored tone, waves falling over her shoulders. 

“You did so good honey....” she says and Derek wants to protest, but his body is wrapped in cotton and he doesn't really want to move. “You tried so hard, it wasn't meant for you and you did the best you could.... I never have been any prouder than I am now...” he doesn't want her to smile that sad smile. “I don't have much time... but we earn our powers, much like anyone else is... we earn them with honoring who we are... and you did that.... Wake up honey....” her lips touch his forehead and he swears he can feel her do it.

Before his whole body moves, without him really telling it to do it. It reshapes, it doesn't hurt, it's a fluid motion. Bones setting into the perfect shape of a wolf, fur as black as the dark night covering the slim body. Blue eyes shining, so much more brilliant than any blue could. And finally Derek knows who he is, who he will be, who he wants to be. He finally can see what he had to see. His eyes wide open, his wolf attacking.

Part of him had been blaming Kate for what happened, part of him was still blaming himself. But the biggest part, the part that had made him see. The part that he had to walk into, to change and reshape for. That part wanted to leave it behind, to start new. To honor his memories, but not let them define him. That part of him, wanted to belong somewhere and even if that was with a teenager that was still trying to stand on his two feet.

He would be with him all the way, he would support him. Not just as pack, but as a friend, consultant, a left hand, a little of an emissary maybe. Derek found his place, where he never would have looked for it. And while he broke the Berserker's skull, he broke the final pieces that had been lodged in his heart. Broke them and tore them out, away and ground them to ash. He was restarting, he was going to be someone Boyd, Erica, his mother, Laura and the pack would be proud of, someone he could be proud of. Someone Isaac would one day maybe consider coming back to.

He was going to become Derek Hale. And even if that path might be stony and shaky, he had Malia to look after, now that Peter had sealed his own fate. Malia was a Hale, was his cousin, was his family now. He would look after her, like he had not with Erica, Boyd and Isaac. He would do better, would honor Erica and Boyd, would promise. And that was why he turned back into a human, left Kate to her demise, put on pants and a shirt. Nodded at Scott and got into the car, once everything was settled. And drove back to Beacon Hills.

**All of the moments that already passed** **  
****We'll try to go back and make them last** **  
****All of the things we want each other to be** **  
****We never will be** **  
****And that's wonderful, and that's life** **  
****And that's you, baby** **  
****This is me, baby** **  
****And we are, we are, we are, we are** **  
****Free** **  
****In our love** **  
****We are free in our love**

And while the town would always hold a bit of bitterness to it, Derek was determined to not let it linger for too long. Even Beacon Hills had sunrise.


End file.
